20 Months

20 months.

That’s how long it has been since I last wrote and published here. It’s been a long time. And it hasn’t been pretty.

We have moved. I’ve started a new career. We have grown to a family of five, though seven if you include the fact that we are living with my parents. My wife nearly died this year. My faith is shattered in shards, and I’m not sure what it will look like should it come back together one day.

I thought 2013 was bad. But it had nothing on 2014.

That said, 2015 is here. I’d rather not dwell on what amounted to a pretty horrid year. (Though we got a really cute baby out of it!)

A lot has gone on with me. I am not the person I was 20 months ago. I have a secular career, and I do not expect to return to a life of ministry. I have struggled off and on (mostly off) with being an active layperson at the church we now attend. That has not gone well, as I reel from the events of the last two years. I am still trying to find if there is a place for me. If so, what is it?

My theme has been Psalm 42. That has long been my favorite psalm. In year past, it was the steely assurance that I would cling to God no matter what. Lately, though, it has been much more of being the outcast, far from the places of worship where I once led and thrived.

I want a new theme.

If there is anything that I have learned, it is that life – and faith – is about choices. What do we choose to do? I was speaking with a friend not that long ago, mentioning how I had lost the “awe” of God. This was particularly frustrating heading into the holiday season (at the time). Further reflection has led me to the conclusion that awe of God is a choice, like choosing to love my spouse. It’s easy to be married for a while and then get a divorce when things get difficult. It’s much harder to stick to the commitment and see the relationship through the hard times on to the other side. To choose love. The same is true with faith, I believe. If I am to believe in God, if I am to be in awe of him again, then i must choose to be.

I do not know what the future holds. Nor can i say with the confidence I once had that I know who holds the future. But I know I want to be out of the fog I have been in since 2013. I want to move forward. I want to make choices that will determine who I will be tomorrow.

2015 is here. 20 months have past. I choose to live again now. No more waiting. This is my life. It’s the only one I get.

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