Of leavings and cleaning out

Four and a half days ago, I ceased being a pastor of a church. The change of status in my life and career were unexpected and sudden.

I am wrestling with what this means.

When I set up this blog years ago, I chose the name “Waiting to Live” with the intent of saying that we never have the time to wait before we begin living. All we have is now. We must strive hard to live now.

So what does a currently former pastor do to live now?

So far, it means job hunting. It means processing all kinds of emotions. It means relying on friends and family to carry loads that I’m not spiritually or emotionally able to carry. It means questioning what I’ve done and what I might do. It means laughing and playing with my children, even when I don’t really feel like doing it – they need security. And, well, so do I. It means anger. It means forgiveness (at least, praying that forgiveness will come). It means utter dependance on God to guide and provide, even when I don’t know where my foot should fall next. He does. It means hugs and family. It means discovering lots of friends that are there to support and encourage. It means sitting with my wife in a church’s congregation and worshipping together for the first time in years. It means letting someone else lead me and teach me instead of always being the leader and the teacher. It means a lot of confusion, and a lot of ups and downs. It means the chance to dream instead of the fear of dreaming.

It means life. And I’m not waiting.

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